Compliance

Corrections and clarifications

In yesterday’s edition, this newspaper stated that the intern acted alone. At the request of the bank, this sentence has been removed.

An earlier version of our front page described floor 31 as “empty”. Floor 31 has asked us to clarify that it does not exist.

Letters to the editor

Sir, I work on the 30th floor. The lift does not stop at 31. It slows down.
Name withheld, floor 30

Sir, I pressed Enter 412 times on your website. Nothing left the building. Is this normal?
A reader

Sir, your intern still has my stapler. I would like it back before the end of the quarter.
Head of Stationery

Sir, my son is a good boy. He did what the screen told him to do. He has always done what he is told.
His mother

A message from the Compliance Department

Do not press Enter

Compliance strongly advises against it. Readers around the world keep ignoring this advice.

The intern, watching you. His face changes every time you press.

…presses worldwide

This key is connected to nothing. Each press is added to the worldwide count, and nothing else is recorded. Your keyboard’s Enter key works too. Compliance regrets this.

Compliance log

The intern, day 002. Published in full, as required.

07:58 Arrives at the east tower. His badge opens door 3. His badge should not open door 3.
08:12 Asks reception for floor 31. Reception laughs.
08:13 Reception stops laughing.
08:40 Sits at desk 14. Desk 14 no longer has a keyboard.
10:05 A man he has never met offers him a coffee. He says no.
10:06 The man leaves the coffee on the desk anyway.
12:30 Asks for lunch, in writing. Lunch granted, in writing.
14:22 Stands in lift 2 for six minutes. The lift does not move.
14:28 Steps out on floor 30. Says it was 31.
16:47 Asks whether he still works here. Nobody answers.
17:30 Goes home.
17:31 Compliance loses him.
17:34 Compliance finds him at the bus stop.
23:59 Someone has started printing his face. Compliance is looking into it.